Bunnies!

It is said that Gatesy had one of the most legendary performances in draft combine history. No idea why so many teams passed on him.

Lakers Poop Their Big Boy Pants

Craig Ackerman with an absolute call for the record books. So many elements perfectly intertwined into the ultimate game-ending punctuation mark. Thundering inflection? Check. Blatant mockery of Kobe Bryant and the Lakers underachieving constellation of megastars? Check. Gus Johnson-level excitement and hyperbole? Check. The word POOP in a game-ending call? Check. Bravo, Ackerman, bravo.

These classics popped up in the "Related Videos" sections of my depraved subconcious:

 

 

 

 THEAH GONNA CALL IT A HAHHD FOUL?!?!?! Don't ever change, Tommy

Team USA Favored by 55 points vs Tunisia Tonight

It's all fun and games til somebody gets 60-pieced

No big deal, just one of the largest spreads in sports history. Those taking the under on this would point out that the US will likely have the game on ice by the second quarter, allowing Coach K the opportunity to rest his big dogs (LeBron, Kobe, Durant, Carmelo), and thereby giving a glimmer of hope to Tunisia to keep it closer to a more "respectable" 40 point margin. Only problem with that rationale is that the second unit consists of ball hawking beasts Andre Iguodala, Russell Westbrook, and James Harden. The relentless ball pressure of the Americans will overwhelm the already shaky Tunisian guards (21 turnovers in their opening loss to Nigeria) no matter who is in the game, and Team USA will utilize their likely copious number of steals to ignite merciless fast break after fast break on their helpless North African opponents. Expect the increasingly productive Kevin Love (14 pts each in the final exhibition vs Spain and Sunday's opener vs France, in limited minutes) and Anthony Davis to get big minutes tonight as well. Every time Davis has entered a game this summer, he has immediately made an impact simply by concentrating on the fundamentals: running the floor, protecting the rim, and finishing around the hoop. Just over a year removed from high school, kid already looks like he belongs with the NBA Elite. Davis is not content to reprise Christian Laettner's role of '92 whipping boy, he is quite capable of being a valued contributor. As for tonight, let's look do a quick ocular assessment to see how justifiable this titanic spread really is:

 Vs

Apparently the Tunisians have some swag! The 2011 African champs have decent size as well, with seven players over 6'8". However, the Tunisians also have zero players with anything close to resembling NBA experience and lost 60-56 in their opener to the Nigerians, who were subsequently trounced by Lithuania. Sorry Tunisia, you're about to get mollywhopped, thanks for stopping by. I'll take the over.

PS. Over/Under 3 Weis Jobs?

NBA Contenders: The Breaking Bad Version

Heisenberg Returns

 **Obligatory Spoiler Alert: This article contains spoilers up to Season 5, Episode 2 of Breaking Bad. You've been warned.**

Over the past four and a half years, devotees of AMC's masterpiece of a program, Breaking Bad, have witnessed a transformation...and learned a formula. Walter White has evolved from a terminally ill high-school teacher trying to raise funds for his family by cooking meth in Combo's mom's RV, into a ruthless, manipulative kingpin who will betray his partner, intimidate his family, and poison an innocent child to protect his own self-serving interests. But no matter how you feel about Walter White, the formula for seizing power on Breaking Bad remains the same. To run the crystal meth market in the ABQ you need territory, money, heart, guts, and most importantly, the product. Just like the recipe for Heisenberg's world famous blue meth, there is a complicated formula for success in the NBA. To grasp the Larry O'Brien trophy, teams need equal parts great coaching, talent, and chemistry (pun NOT intended), as well as some combination of monetary resources, an attractive market, and savvy management. Most of the dust has settled on this NBA season's wild free agency period, and as usual, only a few true contenders for next season's title in the always top-heavy association have emerged.   

Teammates for now...

But not for long...

 When Walter White laid waste to his boss, druglord/Pollos Hermanos proprietor Gustavo Fring, in last season's unforgettable finale, "Face Off,"  the infamous Heisenberg effectively reshuffled the power board in the Breaking Bad landscape, leaving only several characters with the chance to be the proverbial "last man standing." Season 5 opened with a flash into the future- a new look, New Hampshire-residing Mr. White celebrating his 52nd birthday by purchasing a massive machine gun in the parking lot of Denny's. If we've learned anything from our tour of the ABQ so far, it's that all roads to power are littered with death and destruction. Among the NBA's elite, anything less than a ring amounts to failure and the death of your season. To commemorate Breaking Bad's return, here are five comparisons between next season's NBA contenders and the remaining players in the southwestern meth game.

The Miami Heat = Walter White

You come at the King, you best not miss.

The ruthless Kingpins at the top of their respective games. Mr. White completed his climb to Don status when he turned Gus into Albuquerque's version of Harvey Dent, while The Heat blew up their biggest competitor, the Oklahoma City Thunder, in a five game demolition in last years' NBA finals. Nary a soul would argue that either got to the top "the right way" (if such a thing even exists). Yet, both Heisenberg and the Heatles have what everyone else in their world wants. In Walter's case it's the formula for his 99% pure blue methamphetamine, and in Miami's case it's the world championship trophy. Both are also skilled manipulators: Pat Riley and the Heat convinced one of the team's main tormentors, erstwhile Celtic Ray Allen, to join them for half the price; Walter exploited the intensely loyal Jesse into assisting in Gus' murder, when it was really Walter who poisoned Pinkman's pseudo-stepson Brock. Both are in the process of building evil empires and squashing anyone who dares to step to the throne. Heisenberg's got the product and the personnel, with Jesse and Mike Ehrmantraut now firmly on the team. Miami's got LeBron, D-Wade, Bosh, and Ray Allen. Like it or not, they're not going away. Unless a feel good story can step to the forefront...

The Oklahoma City Thunder = Jesse Pinkman

Can the kids put the fists to Big Brother?

 The young kids who rose to the top with heart, tenacity, and skill. They've played the game at the highest level, only to have their heart torn out. In the back of his mind, Jesse still knows that all of his considerable pain and loss has directly resulted from his partnership with Mr. White. While Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook, and James Harden's ascension to NBA heaven was denied by their cruel older brother, the Heat. Both endured their bumps early- Jesse with the losses of Jane and Combo, his beating at the hands of Hank Schrader, and his Meth infused depressions. The Thunder were woeful before building through the draft and positioning themselves to be at the top of the NBA for years to come. In season 4, Jesse proved that he is a rival for Walter in skill: he can cook his meth, has street smarts that impressed Mike and Gus, and has powerful survival instincts. OKC has shown that they have the firepower to take down anyone in the league, save for the Heat, with their supremely talented 23-and-under trio. However, both Jesse and the kids from OKC are slowly learning that in order to wear the crown, you must get dirtier than you had ever before imagined. Heart and skill alone won't get you there, you must also learn to be unequivocally ruthless. Another parallel between the two is their loyalty. Pinkman has remained loyal to Mr. White, despite all that his former chemistry teacher has done to him. Durant and Westbrook quietly re-upped with long-term deals for the Thunder, remaining loyal to each other and to the franchise that drafted them despite countless others trying to manufacture beef between the two superstars and angling to break them apart. The tenuous relationship between Jesse and Walter has always been the driving force behind Breaking Bad, and the burgeoning rivalry between Miami and OKC for NBA dominance is shaping up to be the rivalry that defines the league for years to come. Can the kids shake their oppressors and rise to the top? Only time will tell.  

The Boston Celtics = Hank Schrader

Does it look like...

They're Scared?

The battle-tested, relentless, veterans who just won't go away. The Celtics were one quarter from taking down the eventual champion Heat, while Hank was on to Gus and his operation since he discovered the Pollos Hermanos napkin in vegan Gale's apartment. Hank has been obsessively tracking Heisenberg and his blue meth almost as long as the Celtics have been hunting for their elusive second title in the Big 3 era. Both have been injured, dismissed, and disrespected, but neither knows how to give up. They will just keep on competing until they collapse and the clip is empty. The Celtics have been tormented by the Heat the past two years, just as Hank has been unwittingly tormented by Walter. The Celtics just didn't have enough legs to take out the Heat in game 7, while Hank has literally been operating without legs since his deadly clash with the cousins in Season 3. The Heat-Celtics rivalry got even more personal when Miami pilfered Jesus Shuttlesworth from the Celts this summer. Back on his feet and back on the job, Hank is sure to have a pretty big say in Breaking Bad's final season. Meanwhile, Boston has engineered a brilliant offseason that served to firmly prop open their championship window. Despite Ray's loss, The Celtics are deeper, younger, and more athletic than last year's title contender. While the world mourned the Big 3 era and the end of Celtics contention, Danny Ainge actually upgraded the shooting guard spot with the acquisitions of 6th man extraordinaire Jason Terry and the extremely reliable and efficient Courtney Lee. Doc Rivers now has a rotation of Rondo, Garnett, Pierce, Jeff Green, Brandon Bass, Terry, Lee, Avery Bradley, Chris Wilcox, Jared Sullinger, and Jason Collins to play with, plus whatever they can get out of Fab Melo, Dionte Christmas and Kris Joseph. With most of those players locked up for at least the next two years, the Celtics aren't going away. And neither is Hank. Gritty, smart, skilled, experienced, and fiery. I'd say both Hank and the Celtics have a great chance to get their man.

The San Antonio Spurs = Mike Ehrmantraut

Separated at Birth?

Obvi.

 Looks can be deceiving. Although Mike has the aesthetic appeal of Sloth from the Goonies crossed with geriatric Shrek, he has demonstrated time and again that he is one of the most lethal players in the game. This Jack-of-all-trades has the experience accumulated from a lifetime of doing dirt. From what we know after Sunday's episode, Mike was a presumably dirty Philly cop turned Albuquerque Private Investigator/Drug Ring Enforcer/Hitman. And somehow he he does all this despite being able to form only two facial expressions: mildly annoyed and perturbed. Coincidentally two adjectives that can often be ascribed to Mike's basketball coaching doppleganger and soulmate, Gregg Popovich. The Spurs have proven to be similarly lethal and insipid over the years, with their ruthlessly efficient brand of basketball. Pinpoint ball movement, quiet swag, versatility, and professionalism: it's the Spurs/Mike way. You have to love the game to truly appreciate the way these two work. Both have been kings of their respective trades, and are quietly angling to get to the top again. You may have thought that Mike was left for dead after catching a slug aiding Gus' escape from Don Eladio's crib, but never fear. There he was in the season premiere whipping a Dodge Charger across the border at 100 mph. Basketball "experts" have been closing the title window on the Spurs for years, yet they continue to reinvent themselves and remain contenders. Adaptation is key for these two. Mike did so by reluctantly joining Walter's new fledgling operation, and the Spurs remained relevant by evolving into an uptempo, high scoring juggernaut. No matter how old they get or how much heat is on them, these two are just too damn good to count out. 


The Los Angeles Lakers = The Cartel

 The quiet menace waiting for their return to power. The Cartel has been the silent entity so far this season. As far as we know, they have been thoroughly decimated by Gus' poison tequila powerplay. When Gus visited Hector Salamanca in the nursing home to crow that Jesse had killed his grandson, effectively ending his name, and subsequently provoking "Tio's" suicide pact with Walt, it seemed that the Cartel would be dormant for good. In this year's playoffs, OKC (Jesse) administered a similar killshot to the Lakers, causing most pundits to surmise that their reign in the west was over. However, there are just some things that never go away, no matter how soulless and trenchant they may be. Among them are violent Mexican cartels that control the flow of drugs into North American and the goddamn Purple and Gold. Just when you thought they were dead, the Lakers acquired Steve Nash, and have now emerged as a front runner for the game-changer, Dwight Howard. As currently constructed, the Lakers are not championship ready, but they do have the most attractive trade chip for D-12 in Andrew Bynum, the second best center in the game. Dwight teaming up with Kobe, Gasol, and Nash would instantly make the Lakers universal title favorites. It is a frightening threat to the current reality, as is a rejuvenated Cartel resuming their hunt for Heisenberg, and overthrowing him for control. After seeing the whole world on LeBron's jock this summer, we can be sure that Kobe's maniacal quest to win his sixth title and unseat Walt/LeBron at the NBA mountaintop will only intensify. When the old dogs regain their former power, there just may be a little hell to pay.   

No thanks.

Blake Griffin Says Hello

Here's Blake showing out at the second day of Team USA training camp in Las Vegas. Obviously, this year's team is missing some big guns in Derrick Rose, Dwight Howard, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade. But with James Harden, Andre Iguodala, and Griffin grabbing the last three spots for the summer, the 2012 squad is possibly the fastest, most athletic, versatile version of team USA yet. I think it's pretty safe to say that someone is going to get Weis'd across the pond next month. And BG's hops aren't even the most impressive part of this video. The freckled one's freakish bounce is already world renowned. What really jumps out from this tape is Kyrie Irving's handle. Straight up disgusting. Dude dribbled through a full court press from Kobe Bryant, Kevin Durant, and James Harden like he was the starting point guard for varsity scrimmaging the JV in practice. Irving is only 20 years old, and with Deron Williams, CP3, and Westbrook in the fold at the point, he is relegated to the select team for now, but he will be on the big stage soon enough. People are definitely still sleeping on just how nasty Uncle Drew is going to be. Stay tuned for more absurd highlights from the Stars and Stripes this summer as they prepare to shut down London.

Is the Czech Republic Sneakily Building an Athletic Empire?

Last night Tomas Satoransky became the second Czech Republic product drafted by the Wizards in the last two years, along with last year's #6 pick and draft darling, Jan Vesely. But that's not the weird part. The kicker is that both of these Euros are fast-break happy, athletic slashers with serious ups. Neither is a 7-foot stiff or Nicoloz Tskitishvilli. Apparently the Wizards have some sort of oddball fascination with bouncy Czechs. But hey, who can blame them? Why not bring in a couple of crowd-pleasing, leaping, white boys who are most likely mandated by their rookie duties to bring in a different case of Czech beer to the lockeroom after every game. I guess the beer ain't the only thing coming out of Prague with Hops! *Accepts standing ovation* And now they're getting two years of this high-quality international brew? Play on Wizards.

But the influx of Czech thunder to Chocolate City brings a far more real, far more pressing issue to light- is the former Czechoslovakia the most under-the-radar "athletic" nation in the game? And by athletic I do not mean dominating swimming, gymnastics, and curling at The Olympics and racking up the medal count through sheer strength of population. It seems that the Czechs have quietly managed to become international players in sports that people all over the world don't just pretend to give a shit about every four years.

If you were to associate one sport with this vibrant European kingdom, it would have to be hockey. The Czechs are ranked as the third best team in the world by IIHF (coincidentally my second favorite shadowy international sports governing body), and won the 2010 world championships. They have produced a litany of NHL all-stars, including two of the top names of the past 20 years, "The Dominator" Dominik Hasek and Jaromir Jagr. And the soccer team is evidently pretty talented as well- the Nadorak (insert random mysterious pronunciation marks atop every letter in that nickname and that's how its pronounced) made the Euro Cup quarterfinals, losing 1-0 to Portugal, and are ranked by ESPN as the 27th best international club out of 213 teams. Mike Gorman: "Wikipedia, got it!"

Realistically, The Spaniards are Europe's top athletic dog at the moment- the futbol team is obviously dominant- they are defending World Cup Champions, and just took down Portgual in PK's to make the Euro Cup Finals vs Italy on Sunday. They also have a serious slew of NBA talent on their basketball squad with the Gasol brothers, Jose Calderon, Rudy Fernandez and now Serge Ibaka, and are probably the only team that can challenge team USA in London. The Germans and Brits are up there, but they also have the advantage of being massively populous nations. You would never think of the Czechs on that level, but they're right behind the traditional powerhouses, and with a much smaller population. Who cares, you ask? Quite possibly nobody. Now shut up and let me crush this beef stew, dumplings and Pilsner.

Deepest Since '96? NBA Draft Mock Top 10.

Fear the Brow

The Heat just won the NBA World Championship in five games, igniting a historically disastrous Domino effect: Erik Spoelstra has been vindicated as a "good coach", Dwyane Wade has moved up the all-time ranks with a second title, The Bostrich has become a poser KG, Mike "Two Backs" Miller and Mario Chalmers are Cinderella stories, Shane Battier is the fourth best player on a championship team, and I immediately wrote a gushing love note about LeBron. Keep it together, keep it together, keep it together, MAINTAIN COMPOSURE!!

Let's move onto a more comforting topic, namely the deepest NBA Draft since the fabled class of 1996 (2003 was a lot more top heavy). After Anthony Davis, this draft could go about a million ways, and a butt-load of boring teams could get a lot more interesting. With this type of talent on hand, teams that have been stagnant for the past few years (Blazers, Warriors, Rockets) could take a serious step forward if they hit, while those who miss the battleship face a more daunting task to escape mediocrity in an elitist league. Another trend to keep an eye on will be teams making deals to either move up, stockpile picks, or land an established player. Should be a wild, unpredictable, and fun night. I am undoubtedly going to whiff on most of these picks, so I'll post them as I think they should go, not necessarily how they will. So, yes indeed, here is an assuredly useless, totally incorrect, but undeniably fun mock top 10:

1st Pick: Hornets Take Anthony Davis, Kentucky PF (6'11"-222lbs-Age 19)

 

Most GM's see The Brow as an instant franchise changer, a Kevin Garnett/Tim Duncan type talent who has the potential to be a cornerstone player for the next fifteen years. No one really is, or should be, disputing that analysis either. Davis will be, at minimum, a consistent all-star and all-defensive performer if New Orleans cultivates a good environment for him. Stern's, er, I mean Tom Benson's newly bought Hornets are one lucky club. *Pays 25 dollar fine for sedition*

2nd Pick: Bobcats take Thomas Robinson, Kansas PF (6'9"-244lbs-Age 21)

              

Random tangent- I was recently in Charlotte, and these are the glory days being advertised in the city's sports bars:

-

Grow up, Charlotte.

Damn, that's depressing. After posting a league worst losing percentage at 7-59, MJ's Moribound 'Cats lost out on the Lottery crapshoot and the exact player the franchise needed in Davis. However, I do like the Mike Dunlap hire (opting for player development chops over a big name), and the 2nd pick in this draft should kick-start them in the right direction. The latest buzz is that they may trade this pick to the Cavs (who, along with the Wizards, covet Beal) for the 4th and the 24th pick. In that case my guess is they would take Harrison Barnes (if he's there) and use the 24th pick on a guy like John Jenkins from Vandy, as the Bobcats desperately need shooters. If they keep the pick, most signs point to them taking Kansas product Thomas Robinson. They are also considering Kidd-Gilchrist, Bradley Beal, and UNC guy Barnes, but T-Rob is the safe pick here. At a freakishly athletic 6'9", 245 lbs, he will contribute right away on the glass and give them a much-needed low post option (Kansas Head Coach Bill Self compared him to Jazz F Paul Millsap.). They need to lock up a starting position long-term, and Robinson is an answer at the 4. 

3rd Pick: Wizards take Bradley Beal, Florida SG (6'5"-202lbs-Age 18)

               

According to Chad Ford, 70% of GM's now have Beal as the second best player in the draft. After getting Emeka Okafor and Trevor Ariza from the Hornets last week, and Nene from the Nuggets last season, The Wizards now have the PG, SF, PF, and C spots in the starting lineup locked up. The dynamic, smooth-shooting Beal could be the perfect answer at the 2 and an ideal running partner for John Wall. Scouts see his comparison as somewhere between Eric Gordon and Ray Allen. If the Cavs swoop in to grab Beal, then expect the Wizards to take Kidd-Gilchrist. MKG wouldn't be such a bad consolation prize. All of a sudden the Wizards would have totally overhauled the league's worst locker room culture by bringing in solid, professional vets to pair with talented, hardworking youngsters. 

4th Pick: Cavs Take Harrison Barnes, North Carolina SF (6'8"-228lbs-Age 20)

             

Barnes has been rocketing up draft boards after his performance at the draft combine in Chicago. A built 6'8", Barnes has the size of prototypical starting NBA 3. He already has a wet three-ball and nice mid-range game, and tested as one of the most athletic and explosive players in the draft. His knock is that he can't take people off the dribble. However, with a sizeable chip on his shoulder and a reputation as a hard-worker who loves to prove people wrong, you have to think he'll work through that. Barnes definitely has the ability to be a perennial 20ppg guy. I could see him developing into a Glen Rice type player with his trey and post game. If you're a Cavs fan, you'd love to see this guy camped out in international waters graciously accepting Kyrie Irving dishes next year. 

5th pick: Kings take Michael Kidd-Gilchrist, Kentucky SF  (6'8"-233-Age 18)

            

 The Kings are another team rumored to be shopping their high pick, but if they stay put and Kidd-Gilchrist falls to them, they should thank their lucky stars. The Kings are a young, hotheaded, selfish team, who don't play any defense and MKG is an unselfish, gritty, level-headed guy who is a great defender and doesn't need the ball to be effective. Yes, he has a hitch in his jumper, but he is hardworking enough to correct it and brings so much to the table that most teams shouldn't care.