Craig Ackerman with an absolute call for the record books. So many elements perfectly intertwined into the ultimate game-ending punctuation mark. Thundering inflection? Check. Blatant mockery of Kobe Bryant and the Lakers underachieving constellation of megastars? Check. Gus Johnson-level excitement and hyperbole? Check. The word POOP in a game-ending call? Check. Bravo, Ackerman, bravo.
These classics popped up in the "Related Videos" sections of my depraved subconcious:
THEAH GONNA CALL IT A HAHHD FOUL?!?!?! Don't ever change, Tommy
It's all fun and games til somebody gets 60-pieced
No big deal, just one of the largest spreads in sports history. Those taking the under on this would point out that the US will likely have the game on ice by the second quarter, allowing Coach K the opportunity to rest his big dogs (LeBron, Kobe, Durant, Carmelo), and thereby giving a glimmer of hope to Tunisia to keep it closer to a more "respectable" 40 point margin. Only problem with that rationale is that the second unit consists of ball hawking beasts Andre Iguodala, Russell Westbrook, and James Harden. The relentless ball pressure of the Americans will overwhelm the already shaky Tunisian guards (21 turnovers in their opening loss to Nigeria) no matter who is in the game, and Team USA will utilize their likely copious number of steals to ignite merciless fast break after fast break on their helpless North African opponents. Expect the increasingly productive Kevin Love (14 pts each in the final exhibition vs Spain and Sunday's opener vs France, in limited minutes) and Anthony Davis to get big minutes tonight as well. Every time Davis has entered a game this summer, he has immediately made an impact simply by concentrating on the fundamentals: running the floor, protecting the rim, and finishing around the hoop. Just over a year removed from high school, kid already looks like he belongs with the NBA Elite. Davis is not content to reprise Christian Laettner's role of '92 whipping boy, he is quite capable of being a valued contributor. As for tonight, let's look do a quick ocular assessment to see how justifiable this titanic spread really is:
Vs
Apparently the Tunisians have some swag! The 2011 African champs have decent size as well, with seven players over 6'8". However, the Tunisians also have zero players with anything close to resembling NBA experience and lost 60-56 in their opener to the Nigerians, who were subsequently trounced by Lithuania. Sorry Tunisia, you're about to get mollywhopped, thanks for stopping by. I'll take the over.
**Obligatory Spoiler Alert: This article contains spoilers up to Season 5, Episode 2 of Breaking Bad. You've been warned.**
Over the past four and a half years, devotees of AMC's masterpiece of a program, Breaking Bad, have witnessed a transformation...and learned a formula. Walter White has evolved from a terminally ill high-school teacher trying to raise funds for his family by cooking meth in Combo's mom's RV, into a ruthless, manipulative kingpin who will betray his partner, intimidate his family, and poison an innocent child to protect his own self-serving interests. But no matter how you feel about Walter White, the formula for seizing power on Breaking Bad remains the same. To run the crystal meth market in the ABQ you need territory, money, heart, guts, and most importantly, the product. Just like the recipe for Heisenberg's world famous blue meth, there is a complicated formula for success in the NBA. To grasp the Larry O'Brien trophy, teams need equal parts great coaching, talent, and chemistry (pun NOT intended), as well as some combination of monetary resources, an attractive market, and savvy management. Most of the dust has settled on this NBA season's wild free agency period, and as usual, only a few true contenders for next season's title in the always top-heavy association have emerged.
Teammates for now...
But not for long...
When Walter White laid waste to his boss, druglord/Pollos Hermanos proprietor Gustavo Fring, in last season's unforgettable finale, "Face Off," the infamous Heisenberg effectively reshuffled the power board in the Breaking Bad landscape, leaving only several characters with the chance to be the proverbial "last man standing." Season 5 opened with a flash into the future- a new look, New Hampshire-residing Mr. White celebrating his 52nd birthday by purchasing a massive machine gun in the parking lot of Denny's. If we've learned anything from our tour of the ABQ so far, it's that all roads to power are littered with death and destruction. Among the NBA's elite, anything less than a ring amounts to failure and the death of your season. To commemorate Breaking Bad's return, here are five comparisons between next season's NBA contenders and the remaining players in the southwestern meth game.
The Miami Heat = Walter White
You come at the King, you best not miss.
The ruthless Kingpins at the top of their respective games. Mr. White completed his climb to Don status when he turned Gus into Albuquerque's version of Harvey Dent, while The Heat blew up their biggest competitor, the Oklahoma City Thunder, in a five game demolition in last years' NBA finals. Nary a soul would argue that either got to the top "the right way" (if such a thing even exists). Yet, both Heisenberg and the Heatles have what everyone else in their world wants. In Walter's case it's the formula for his 99% pure blue methamphetamine, and in Miami's case it's the world championship trophy. Both are also skilled manipulators: Pat Riley and the Heat convinced one of the team's main tormentors, erstwhile Celtic Ray Allen, to join them for half the price; Walter exploited the intensely loyal Jesse into assisting in Gus' murder, when it was really Walter who poisoned Pinkman's pseudo-stepson Brock. Both are in the process of building evil empires and squashing anyone who dares to step to the throne. Heisenberg's got the product and the personnel, with Jesse and Mike Ehrmantraut now firmly on the team. Miami's got LeBron, D-Wade, Bosh, and Ray Allen. Like it or not, they're not going away. Unless a feel good story can step to the forefront...
The Oklahoma City Thunder = Jesse Pinkman
Can the kids put the fists to Big Brother?
The young kids who rose to the top with heart, tenacity, and skill. They've played the game at the highest level, only to have their heart torn out. In the back of his mind, Jesse still knows that all of his considerable pain and loss has directly resulted from his partnership with Mr. White. While Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook, and James Harden's ascension to NBA heaven was denied by their cruel older brother, the Heat. Both endured their bumps early- Jesse with the losses of Jane and Combo, his beating at the hands of Hank Schrader, and his Meth infused depressions. The Thunder were woeful before building through the draft and positioning themselves to be at the top of the NBA for years to come. In season 4, Jesse proved that he is a rival for Walter in skill: he can cook his meth, has street smarts that impressed Mike and Gus, and has powerful survival instincts. OKC has shown that they have the firepower to take down anyone in the league, save for the Heat, with their supremely talented 23-and-under trio. However, both Jesse and the kids from OKC are slowly learning that in order to wear the crown, you must get dirtier than you had ever before imagined. Heart and skill alone won't get you there, you must also learn to be unequivocally ruthless. Another parallel between the two is their loyalty. Pinkman has remained loyal to Mr. White, despite all that his former chemistry teacher has done to him. Durant and Westbrook quietly re-upped with long-term deals for the Thunder, remaining loyal to each other and to the franchise that drafted them despite countless others trying to manufacture beef between the two superstars and angling to break them apart. The tenuous relationship between Jesse and Walter has always been the driving force behind Breaking Bad, and the burgeoning rivalry between Miami and OKC for NBA dominance is shaping up to be the rivalry that defines the league for years to come. Can the kids shake their oppressors and rise to the top? Only time will tell.
The Boston Celtics = Hank Schrader
Does it look like...
They're Scared?
The battle-tested, relentless, veterans who just won't go away. The Celtics were one quarter from taking down the eventual champion Heat, while Hank was on to Gus and his operation since he discovered the Pollos Hermanos napkin in vegan Gale's apartment. Hank has been obsessively tracking Heisenberg and his blue meth almost as long as the Celtics have been hunting for their elusive second title in the Big 3 era. Both have been injured, dismissed, and disrespected, but neither knows how to give up. They will just keep on competing until they collapse and the clip is empty. The Celtics have been tormented by the Heat the past two years, just as Hank has been unwittingly tormented by Walter. The Celtics just didn't have enough legs to take out the Heat in game 7, while Hank has literally been operating without legs since his deadly clash with the cousins in Season 3. The Heat-Celtics rivalry got even more personal when Miami pilfered Jesus Shuttlesworth from the Celts this summer. Back on his feet and back on the job, Hank is sure to have a pretty big say in Breaking Bad's final season. Meanwhile, Boston has engineered a brilliant offseason that served to firmly prop open their championship window. Despite Ray's loss, The Celtics are deeper, younger, and more athletic than last year's title contender. While the world mourned the Big 3 era and the end of Celtics contention, Danny Ainge actually upgraded the shooting guard spot with the acquisitions of 6th man extraordinaire Jason Terry and the extremely reliable and efficient Courtney Lee. Doc Rivers now has a rotation of Rondo, Garnett, Pierce, Jeff Green, Brandon Bass, Terry, Lee, Avery Bradley, Chris Wilcox, Jared Sullinger, and Jason Collins to play with, plus whatever they can get out of Fab Melo, Dionte Christmas and Kris Joseph. With most of those players locked up for at least the next two years, the Celtics aren't going away. And neither is Hank. Gritty, smart, skilled, experienced, and fiery. I'd say both Hank and the Celtics have a great chance to get their man.
The San Antonio Spurs = Mike Ehrmantraut
Separated at Birth?
Obvi.
Looks can be deceiving. Although Mike has the aesthetic appeal of Sloth from the Goonies crossed with geriatric Shrek, he has demonstrated time and again that he is one of the most lethal players in the game. This Jack-of-all-trades has the experience accumulated from a lifetime of doing dirt. From what we know after Sunday's episode, Mike was a presumably dirty Philly cop turned Albuquerque Private Investigator/Drug Ring Enforcer/Hitman. And somehow he he does all this despite being able to form only two facial expressions: mildly annoyed and perturbed. Coincidentally two adjectives that can often be ascribed to Mike's basketball coaching doppleganger and soulmate, Gregg Popovich. The Spurs have proven to be similarly lethal and insipid over the years, with their ruthlessly efficient brand of basketball. Pinpoint ball movement, quiet swag, versatility, and professionalism: it's the Spurs/Mike way. You have to love the game to truly appreciate the way these two work. Both have been kings of their respective trades, and are quietly angling to get to the top again. You may have thought that Mike was left for dead after catching a slug aiding Gus' escape from Don Eladio's crib, but never fear. There he was in the season premiere whipping a Dodge Charger across the border at 100 mph. Basketball "experts" have been closing the title window on the Spurs for years, yet they continue to reinvent themselves and remain contenders. Adaptation is key for these two. Mike did so by reluctantly joining Walter's new fledgling operation, and the Spurs remained relevant by evolving into an uptempo, high scoring juggernaut. No matter how old they get or how much heat is on them, these two are just too damn good to count out.
The Los Angeles Lakers = The Cartel
The quiet menace waiting for their return to power. The Cartel has been the silent entity so far this season. As far as we know, they have been thoroughly decimated by Gus' poison tequila powerplay. When Gus visited Hector Salamanca in the nursing home to crow that Jesse had killed his grandson, effectively ending his name, and subsequently provoking "Tio's" suicide pact with Walt, it seemed that the Cartel would be dormant for good. In this year's playoffs, OKC (Jesse) administered a similar killshot to the Lakers, causing most pundits to surmise that their reign in the west was over. However, there are just some things that never go away, no matter how soulless and trenchant they may be. Among them are violent Mexican cartels that control the flow of drugs into North American and the goddamn Purple and Gold. Just when you thought they were dead, the Lakers acquired Steve Nash, and have now emerged as a front runner for the game-changer, Dwight Howard. As currently constructed, the Lakers are not championship ready, but they do have the most attractive trade chip for D-12 in Andrew Bynum, the second best center in the game. Dwight teaming up with Kobe, Gasol, and Nash would instantly make the Lakers universal title favorites. It is a frightening threat to the current reality, as is a rejuvenated Cartel resuming their hunt for Heisenberg, and overthrowing him for control. After seeing the whole world on LeBron's jock this summer, we can be sure that Kobe's maniacal quest to win his sixth title and unseat Walt/LeBron at the NBA mountaintop will only intensify. When the old dogs regain their former power, there just may be a little hell to pay.
Here's Blake showing out at the second day of Team USA training camp in Las Vegas. Obviously, this year's team is missing some big guns in Derrick Rose, Dwight Howard, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade. But with James Harden, Andre Iguodala, and Griffin grabbing the last three spots for the summer, the 2012 squad is possibly the fastest, most athletic, versatile version of team USA yet. I think it's pretty safe to say that someone is going to get Weis'd across the pond next month. And BG's hops aren't even the most impressive part of this video. The freckled one's freakish bounce is already world renowned. What really jumps out from this tape is Kyrie Irving's handle. Straight up disgusting. Dude dribbled through a full court press from Kobe Bryant, Kevin Durant, and James Harden like he was the starting point guard for varsity scrimmaging the JV in practice. Irving is only 20 years old, and with Deron Williams, CP3, and Westbrook in the fold at the point, he is relegated to the select team for now, but he will be on the big stage soon enough. People are definitely still sleeping on just how nasty Uncle Drew is going to be. Stay tuned for more absurd highlights from the Stars and Stripes this summer as they prepare to shut down London.
Last night Tomas Satoransky became the second Czech Republic product drafted by the Wizards in the last two years, along with last year's #6 pick and draft darling, Jan Vesely. But that's not the weird part. The kicker is that both of these Euros are fast-break happy, athletic slashers with serious ups. Neither is a 7-foot stiff or Nicoloz Tskitishvilli. Apparently the Wizards have some sort of oddball fascination with bouncy Czechs. But hey, who can blame them? Why not bring in a couple of crowd-pleasing, leaping, white boys who are most likely mandated by their rookie duties to bring in a different case of Czech beer to the lockeroom after every game. I guess the beer ain't the only thing coming out of Prague with Hops! *Accepts standing ovation* And now they're getting two years of this high-quality international brew? Play on Wizards.
But the influx of Czech thunder to Chocolate City brings a far more real, far more pressing issue to light- is the former Czechoslovakia the most under-the-radar "athletic" nation in the game? And by athletic I do not mean dominating swimming, gymnastics, and curling at The Olympics and racking up the medal count through sheer strength of population. It seems that the Czechs have quietly managed to become international players in sports that people all over the world don't just pretend to give a shit about every four years.
If you were to associate one sport with this vibrant European kingdom, it would have to be hockey. The Czechs are ranked as the third best team in the world by IIHF (coincidentally my second favorite shadowy international sports governing body), and won the 2010 world championships. They have produced a litany of NHL all-stars, including two of the top names of the past 20 years, "The Dominator" Dominik Hasek and Jaromir Jagr. And the soccer team is evidently pretty talented as well- the Nadorak (insert random mysterious pronunciation marks atop every letter in that nickname and that's how its pronounced) made the Euro Cup quarterfinals, losing 1-0 to Portugal, and are ranked by ESPN as the 27th best international club out of 213 teams. Mike Gorman: "Wikipedia, got it!"
Realistically, The Spaniards are Europe's top athletic dog at the moment- the futbol team is obviously dominant- they are defending World Cup Champions, and just took down Portgual in PK's to make the Euro Cup Finals vs Italy on Sunday. They also have a serious slew of NBA talent on their basketball squad with the Gasol brothers, Jose Calderon, Rudy Fernandez and now Serge Ibaka, and are probably the only team that can challenge team USA in London. The Germans and Brits are up there, but they also have the advantage of being massively populous nations. You would never think of the Czechs on that level, but they're right behind the traditional powerhouses, and with a much smaller population. Who cares, you ask? Quite possibly nobody. Now shut up and let me crush this beef stew, dumplings and Pilsner.
The Heat just won the NBA World Championship in five games, igniting a historically disastrous Domino effect: Erik Spoelstra has been vindicated as a "good coach", Dwyane Wade has moved up the all-time ranks with a second title, The Bostrich has become a poser KG, Mike "Two Backs" Miller and Mario Chalmers are Cinderella stories, Shane Battier is the fourth best player on a championship team, and I immediately wrote a gushing love note about LeBron. Keep it together, keep it together, keep it together, MAINTAIN COMPOSURE!!
Let's move onto a more comforting topic, namely the deepest NBA Draft since the fabled class of 1996 (2003 was a lot more top heavy). After Anthony Davis, this draft could go about a million ways, and a butt-load of boring teams could get a lot more interesting. With this type of talent on hand, teams that have been stagnant for the past few years (Blazers, Warriors, Rockets) could take a serious step forward if they hit, while those who miss the battleship face a more daunting task to escape mediocrity in an elitist league. Another trend to keep an eye on will be teams making deals to either move up, stockpile picks, or land an established player. Should be a wild, unpredictable, and fun night. I am undoubtedly going to whiff on most of these picks, so I'll post them as I think they should go, not necessarily how they will. So, yes indeed, here is an assuredly useless, totally incorrect, but undeniably fun mock top 10:
1st Pick:Hornets Take Anthony Davis, Kentucky PF (6'11"-222lbs-Age 19)
Most GM's see The Brow as an instant franchise changer, a Kevin Garnett/Tim Duncan type talent who has the potential to be a cornerstone player for the next fifteen years. No one really is, or should be, disputing that analysis either. Davis will be, at minimum, a consistent all-star and all-defensive performer if New Orleans cultivates a good environment for him. Stern's, er, I mean Tom Benson's newly bought Hornets are one lucky club. *Pays 25 dollar fine for sedition*
2nd Pick: Bobcats take Thomas Robinson, Kansas PF (6'9"-244lbs-Age 21)
Random tangent- I was recently in Charlotte, and these are the glory days being advertised in the city's sports bars:
Damn, that's depressing. After posting a league worst losing percentage at 7-59, MJ's Moribound 'Cats lost out on the Lottery crapshoot and the exact player the franchise needed in Davis. However, I do like the Mike Dunlap hire (opting for player development chops over a big name), and the 2nd pick in this draft should kick-start them in the right direction. The latest buzz is that they may trade this pick to the Cavs (who, along with the Wizards, covet Beal) for the 4th and the 24th pick. In that case my guess is they would take Harrison Barnes (if he's there) and use the 24th pick on a guy like John Jenkins from Vandy, as the Bobcats desperately need shooters. If they keep the pick, most signs point to them taking Kansas product Thomas Robinson. They are also considering Kidd-Gilchrist, Bradley Beal, and UNC guy Barnes, but T-Rob is the safe pick here. At a freakishly athletic 6'9", 245 lbs, he will contribute right away on the glass and give them a much-needed low post option (Kansas Head Coach Bill Self compared him to Jazz F Paul Millsap.). They need to lock up a starting position long-term, and Robinson is an answer at the 4.
3rd Pick: Wizards take Bradley Beal, Florida SG (6'5"-202lbs-Age 18)
According to Chad Ford, 70% of GM's now have Beal as the second best player in the draft. After getting Emeka Okafor and Trevor Ariza from the Hornets last week, and Nene from the Nuggets last season, The Wizards now have the PG, SF, PF, and C spots in the starting lineup locked up. The dynamic, smooth-shooting Beal could be the perfect answer at the 2 and an ideal running partner for John Wall. Scouts see his comparison as somewhere between Eric Gordon and Ray Allen. If the Cavs swoop in to grab Beal, then expect the Wizards to take Kidd-Gilchrist. MKG wouldn't be such a bad consolation prize. All of a sudden the Wizards would have totally overhauled the league's worst locker room culture by bringing in solid, professional vets to pair with talented, hardworking youngsters.
4th Pick: Cavs Take Harrison Barnes, North Carolina SF (6'8"-228lbs-Age 20)
Barnes has been rocketing up draft boards after his performance at the draft combine in Chicago. A built 6'8", Barnes has the size of prototypical starting NBA 3. He already has a wet three-ball and nice mid-range game, and tested as one of the most athletic and explosive players in the draft. His knock is that he can't take people off the dribble. However, with a sizeable chip on his shoulder and a reputation as a hard-worker who loves to prove people wrong, you have to think he'll work through that. Barnes definitely has the ability to be a perennial 20ppg guy. I could see him developing into a Glen Rice type player with his trey and post game. If you're a Cavs fan, you'd love to see this guy camped out in international waters graciously accepting Kyrie Irving dishes next year.
5th pick: Kings take Michael Kidd-Gilchrist, Kentucky SF (6'8"-233-Age 18)
The Kings are another team rumored to be shopping their high pick, but if they stay put and Kidd-Gilchrist falls to them, they should thank their lucky stars. The Kings are a young, hotheaded, selfish team, who don't play any defense and MKG is an unselfish, gritty, level-headed guy who is a great defender and doesn't need the ball to be effective. Yes, he has a hitch in his jumper, but he is hardworking enough to correct it and brings so much to the table that most teams shouldn't care.
June 21, 2012 will go down in NBA history as the night the King finally got his ring, and his crown. LeBron James posted a 26pt-13asst-11reb triple double to stamp out the youthful OKC Thunder and win his first NBA title, thus completing the most anticipated, hyped, scrutinized, and hated-on rise to greatness in NBA history. To his legion of doubters, Lebron has justifiably earned the right to tell them "what can you say now?" The kid from Akron did what NBA fans feverishly demanded he do for the better part of 10 years- let his game do the talking while he won the ultimate prize. LBJ dominated the Finals, the playoffs, and the season like few players have ever done before. If you're a LeBron and Heat hater, which a large portion of the public is, it can be hard to put aside your team allegiances and personal gripes. But by removing ourselves from our coveted social media opinions for just a moment, we can appreciate LeBron James, the basketball player and the man, and be happy for him. Imagine the burden of a nations's collective expectations thrust upon you since age 16. Imagine millions upon millions of people ritualistically rooting for you to fail. Imagine being the best player in the world, and over 50% of the public views you as a choker, traitor, and villain. In the face of this pressure, LeBron put on a display of consistent, all-around, brilliance throughout these playoffs that maybe only 3 or 4 other players have achieved before. Even the most hardened LeBron detractor would admit (maybe a few beers deep) that it's hard not to feel a little bit of tangible joy for The Chosen One.
LeBron rediscovers what makes him LeBron
I will not even attempt to deny at that over the past two years I been immersed in the never ending tsunami of LeBron hate. It is beyond well documented that since the two most egregious Public Relations...decisions, in the history of athlete management, LeBron has become perhaps the most polarizing basketball player ever, and certainly the symbol of the social media era of sports coverage. I hated him for not staying in Cleveland and accepting the burden of his hardened hometown's 38 year-old title drought. I hated him for not opting for New York and the chance at an unseen level of basketball immortality. I hated him for his arrogance, his hubris, and his unthinkable shrink-job in last year's finals.
But in these Finals, LeBron answered all the old doubts with a refocused, under-control, nearly flawless game. Playing like some mad scientists' splice of Scottie Pippen, Shawn Kemp, and Magic Johnson, LeBron proved to be unstoppable in the post, unflappable on defense, and unparalleled with his passing and decision making. Not only did LeBron find his 3-point shooters off the double time and time again in these Finals to devastating effect, each pass was delivered in perfect position for Battier/Chalmers/Miller to load and launch in rhythm. It didn't matter if it was a cross court pass fading towards the wrong side of the court or a one handed whip off penetration. But the unreal passing ability has always been there. More notable was the fact that LeBron finally got his ass in the paint. He dominated the offensive boards, showed a patient and surgical low post game, and unleashed a barrage of twisting, powerful finishes over the Thunder Bigs. While LeBron has often been asked to assume point guard duties and play a perimeter-oriented game in the past, the 2012 Finals showed that, at his best, The King's domain is really the paint (18 ppg in the "dungeon" during the series). Throw in his ferocious, hounding defense on KD, fast-break killing shot-blocking ability and control of the defensive glass, it was perhaps the most complete domination in Finals history. LeBron was smart, he was intense, he put up insane numbers (29-10-7), he was a leader, and he was clutch. Plainly: LeBron was perfect.
But the true revelation was not LeBron's game. It was that with his performance, he may have finally provided the alpha-dog counterpoint to the blueprint that Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant mapped out for leading a team to the title. You know, the prevailing view that you have to be be on a plateau above your teammates, you have to possess a maniacal quest for dominance, and you have to hate. As we waited for LeBron to become the next Jordan, the next Kobe, lamenting (and loving) the fact that he would never have the same makeup as the preeminent champions who came before him, we never stopped to think that maybe LeBron would be the one to break the mold. After accepting his Finals MVP, LeBron readily admitted that since The Decision, he had lost what made him, him.
"Last year, I played the game with a lot of hate, and that's not how I play, I play the game with a lot of love."
Jordan and Kobe (post-Shaq) spent their careers playing the older brother to their teammates. They were supportive and complimentary when their teammates got the job done, but if you crossed them, made the wrong move, or didn't come through when it counts, it's your ass getting thrown under the bus, or your face getting punched in. Maybe LeBron wasn't meant to play that role. Maybe he was meant to be the benevolent one- the big kid who plays the game with joy, compassion, heart, and love. Not the unforgiving older brother, but rather the proud daddy of his basketball family.
In the past, LeBron has been justifiably defiant in the face of his critics and detractors. But something happened after that Finals collapse to the Mavericks last year. He was hurt by a type of failure and adversity that he had never experienced before. LeBron retreated into his house and relived his excruciating performances, game by game. In doing so, The King was confronted with an inconvenient truth- he is fallible. But as the old cliche goes, you must be broken down before you can be built back up. Months later, after a summer in the gym and a post-up apprenticeship under Hakeem Olajuwon, LeBron re-emerged as the man and player we all hoped he would be for so long. He was solely dedicated to winning, as humble as someone of his prodigious gifts could be, and genuine and upfront about his past failings. He decided he would be himself, only better.
When I saw him curl that trophy into his arms like a proud new father on Thursday night, I finally realized it. Wow, I am truly happy for LeBron James. Above all else, what we asked of LeBron was greatness. With the ring on hand and more to come, The King has finally earned that distinction. #6 could have easily had his Gladiator moment on Thursday night, spewing the hate right back into our collective grill. But King James, of course, took the high road. He basked in the moment and allowed himself to be truly, utterly, happy.
For now, the pop-culture psychologists and arm-chair quarterbacks are seemingly out of ammunition. The prevailing conversation about LeBron has changed. The question will no longer be "why can't he win it?" but rather, "how far can he go?" At 27 years old, The King is now firmly entrenched in his prime and the Jordan projections are already flowing. The freakish physical gifts are not going away, and LeBron now has the intangible understanding of what he needs to do on the court and how he needs to carry himself off of it for his team to win it all. Whether he wins two, three, or six titles, only time will tell. In Durant, LBJ has a rival who could possible keep him from "Jordan territory." But if we have learned anything, LeBron's legacy will not be "the next Michael Jordan." He will not be the next Kobe, Larry Bird, or Magic Johnson either. He is LeBron James, and for now, you can't call him anything other than great.
Sometimes I feel like I'm living in the Twilight zone: Mike Breen is the preeminent play-by-play man in professional basketball, and it seems that virtually the entire American public has yet to realize that he is the most trenchant, deplorable announcer in the game. Does no one realize that he literally has only two calls? That, at best, he is nothing more than a technically efficient corporate drone for the morally bankrupt conglomerate known as Disney/ESPN/ABC? Somehow we been hypnotized into accepting this guy as not only the full-time play-by-play announcer of the fucking Knicks, but also the top play-by-play man for every single marquee NBA game not broadcast on TNT. Over the course of any given game 75% of all made baskets will inevitably be branded with Mike's trademark "puts it in!" call: Carmelo clutch pull-up game winning contested trey- PUTS IT IN! Savage Blake Griffin tomahawk over 3 defenders- PUTS IT IN! 27 foot Kevin Durant stepback- PUTS IT IN! Seriously Breen, find a less descriptive phrase for absurd freaks-of-nature getting buckets in the most impossible ways. Then, on the other hand, we have BANG! Oh no, don't worry, it's ok that you refer to every single massive 3-pointer with a one-syllable onomatopoeia previously reserved for Batman Comics, and use the exact same robotic inflection on every single call. It's also a known fact that Breen is the #1 doting fan-boy for the Heat and Knicks, ritualistically celebrating every big play by soiling his shorts and belting out the signature "Ho, HOOO! (insert Lebron/Wade/Carmelo here) Put's it in!!" Jesus, Breen stop talking so goddamn hard. I thought it was beneficial to have a soulful, deep voice in this racket, not sound like a squawking parrot that makes you want to take 4 Tylenol's to the head after every game.
Not to mention the fact that Mikey B becomes a trembling little puppet whenever the highly relevant, ongoing theme of corruption and failure amongst NBA officiating (esp. post-Donaghy) and their terrible Technical and flagrant policy comes up. Fact: The NBA stifles intensity and emotion more than any major sport- You can't even look at a dude after dunking on him anymore, let alone scream in his face or openly taunt him. In the NHL, squaring up for a beatdown is not only allowed, it's encouraged. NFL players mercilessly talk shit to opponents and celebrate vicious sacks and tackles with choreographed decapitation rituals. And guess what? It's a big part of the reason why those sports are so popular. Sometimes this shit ain't for the weak of heart. Athletes wouldn't be paid so lucratively if they didn't have to put their body on the line and go to war every game. The NFL is the undisputed king of sports in America because the game is more thrilling, entertaining, and emotionally provocative when you can play at a jacked-up, borderline psychopathic level. Athletes play harder when they can express themselves and let it all hang out. That's never been a secret. The NBA isn't truly fueled by dangerous intensity quite like the NFL, but there was a tangible war-like mentality during the Golden Age of the 80's and early 90's.
Tonight's main event- the one and only Joey Crawford!
Little semi non-sequitor (coincidentally what Breen calls his penis): Magic, Jordan, and Bird are the three players placed on modern basketball's Mount Rushmore. They ushered in the NBA's Golden Era and ran a triumvirate of NBA dominance by winning a combined 14 titles over 20 years (16 if you count Isaiah and his back-to-back Bad Boys squad). That trio talked more shit, were more ruthless, taunted and fought with more opponents, and played with more savage competitiveness BY FAR than any of this generation's top players, aside from KG, Kobe, and maybe Chris Paul. (see NBA TV's awesome Dream Team Documentary for proof). Today's rules, evolving since the PR shitstorm known as the Malice at The Palace, are ostensibly designed to stop players from brawling, but what really results is a stifling of passion, intensity, emotion, and rivalries in today's buddy-buddy NBA.
Shame on you for even asking me that question, Sir.
So. When Jeff Van Gundy, who unlike our dear little Breensy boy actually knows basketball, will deride the officials for shitty, sensitive Technicals, pace-killing flops, or over-officiating for the benefit of superstars, Breen inevitably rushes to the defense of his overlord, David Stern (And whatever ABC executive pulls his strings), and reverts back to being the trembling company fuck he truly is. Haha, now c'mon Jeff, by the letter of the law, that was a foul! Or C'mon now, Jeff. You don't know what he might of said to him there to earn that technical! (Nervous laughter) Now Let's go to the NBA Broadcast Big Board! Hey Breen, Van Gundy's right- it doesn't matter what he said. This is basketball, not hopscotch. Grow up, white-bread. Van Gundy's insight and knowledge is great, but since Mark Jackson left the ABC announce team to coach the Warriors, you have to admit that team Q-tip has become the whiniest, whitest, least athletic announcing combo in the game. I would take the the Dick Stockton/CWebb team or Marv/Reggie/Kerr all day every day over MBJVG. Without Jackson's player's perspective, the two now have carte blanche to whine, bicker, crack lame-ass jokes, and fail to do justice to huge moments. I never thought I'd miss Mr. "mama there goes that man!" this freaking much.
Give me somebody who actually has a creative way with words and is not a one-dimensional tool. Give me someone who can capture the emotion and excitement of an NBA game, and knows when to defer to those who are actually there to provide opinion. Give me someone with catch phrases that would make Rondey Dangerfield blush. Someone with the fire of the game burning within them and a thundering voice that brings Adam Morrison to tears. Give me someone that gets buckets, that's right- get us Gus Johnson! Bring the passion of the NCAA tournament to the spectacle of the NBA finals. (Sidenote: It is perhaps the biggest travesty in sports history that Gus has been dropped from CBS, taken off the tournament and NFL games and relegated to Big-12 football on FX) Of course, Gus is a pipe-dream. The NBA on ABC would never have the balls to let someone with Gus' spontaneity and no-holds-barred approach take the reigns for a huge playoff game. But, the NBA playoffs DO desperately need to be announced by someone who can actually create a unique, lasting call, and add some freaking mystique to a legendary contest played by the titans of the game.
Aw, Hell yeah!!
In his quest to curry casual fan appeal, and eliminate the "basketball players are thugs!" narrative, Stern is forgetting his core audience- people who understand the game as it should be played. Despite the black-eye of the lockout, ratings and fan interest are up, and the league is clearly headed in the right direction. The paradigm is shifting. The rawness and competitive fire are on the return- you can feel it. And now is the time to capitalize. There are hungry, young superstars playing the game the right way and placing their chance at greatness above all else, exactly like we ask them to. The time has come to embrace a return to the REAL in all things NBA. The time has come to put Breen on ice.
At the conclusion of the 2012 finals, there will be a coronation: either LeBron James will finally secure his first ring, cementing his status as the world's best and forcing the haters to munch copious amounts of crow, or Kevin Durant and the Thunder will claim the title, Durant will be considered the league's alpha dog, and we will be subjected to endless platitudes from Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith on why KD has a shot to be the best player of all time. Also on the line: a second ring for Wade, a sixth ring for Fisher, Kendrick Perkins' chance to be the starting center for two separate title teams, the Heat's reputation as floppers, primadonnas, and choke artists, and the word "champion" being associated with Chris Bosh more closely than dinosaur, ostrich, emo, third banana, and troll. Not to mention which team will get the upper footing on NBA supremacy for the next five years. So who will take it down? Let's see who has the advantage in eight key categories:
PG: Russell Westbrook vs. Mario Chalmers
Chalmers is a nice player, and has proven time and again that he has the requisite stones to take, and make, big shots. The Heat PG definitely plays with a considerable chip on his shoulder- in his mind he truly believes he is the fourth member of the Heatles. The yappy Kansas product is also one of the more adept guys in the league at getting under an opposing players' skin. However, he is a gambling, pass-lane cheating defender, which is not conducive to shutting down an explosive guard like Westbrook. Russ plays the game with a fury and savagery quite unlike any point guard the league has ever seen. After being thoroughly abused on the defensive end by Rajon Rondo, we can be sure that Chalmers does not have the speed or athleticism to slow down Westbrook, who is stronger than Rondo and a much better finisher at the rim. With the Heat's lack of PG defense, expect to see a lot of D-Wade on Westbrook, and at least 3 big scoring outputs (25-30 pts) from the second-team all NBA PG. Chalmers will hold his own on offense and will make timely shots, but will not come close to Westbrook's overall productivity nor wreak the sort of transition havoc #0 for OKC can create.
Advantage: Thunder
SG: Dwyane Wade vs. James Harden
Yes, Thabo Sefelosha starts, but much like Manu Ginobili, Harden will be getting starter's minutes at the wing and will be on the court during crunch time, which is why he earns the starter comparison here. Both Harden and Wade are big, physical, 2-guards, and playmaking defenders. Both are among the best in the league at splitting double teams, although Harden is a more adept passer off penetration and Wade is the slightly better finisher with contact. Wade makes an impact with help-side shot blocking, but does not possess Harden's ability to stretch the court with the three ball. Wade is a petulant crybaby, a flopper, and has fat cheeks (sorry had to get that one off) while Harden has the league's most dominant facial hair. Unfortunately, have to give Wade the edge here due to his experience, clutch finals history, and ability to bend the refs to his whim.
Advantage: Heat
SF: Kevin Durant vs. Lebron James
A little preview
The matchup they all came to see. "The one we can't wait to crown" vs. "The one we want more than anything to fail." MVP vs. MVP runner-up. King James vs. Kid Clutch. Despite the incessant, churning criticism, LeBron has turned in one of the greatest postseasons of all-time to date, putting up 31pts-10reb-5asst-2stls on 51% from the field through the first 3 rounds. To this point, LBJ's game has shone brightest when the talk got loudest and the Heat's back was shoved against the wall. (see: 40-18-9, down 2-1 in Indiana, and 45-15-5 facing elimination in Boston). Meanwhile LeBron has effectively shut down 3 of the league's best quick forwards in Carmelo Anthony, Danny Granger, and Paul Pierce. Can he do the same to Durant? The short answer, no. Durant is going to get his numbers, but up against the fearsome defense of Lebron, he will have to work harder than ever for it. On the other side, Durant's rise in not just skill, but maturity, has been meteoric. In these playoffs, his ridiculous scoring ability and clutch shot-making have been paired with a keen understanding of when to pass to an open teammate and improved activity on the defenseive end (1.5 stls and 1.3 blocks per game in the playoffs.)
LeBron, at face value, is the better player, but Durant fits into a traditional basketball archetype- he is a scorer- and his teammates understand this, which allows them to build their flow and team identity on top of that ability. On the other hand, LeBron transcends a traditional role. He must do it all for his team- he is the Heat's best passer, interior rebounder, defender, and scorer. While this makes him on one hand perhaps the most versatile player of all time, it also can force the Heat into periods of stagnation, star-gazing, and praying that LeBron's greatness will bail them out (looking at you, Spo.) Finally, while LeBron has indeed been clutch throughout the postseason, the final shot in these tightly contested playoff games where legends are cemented, is almost always, a jumphot. Durant is the better shooter, and is building upon an already long list of daggers and postseason game-winners. Down 2 with 15 seconds left I'd rather have Durant with the ball, but over the course of 48 minutes, Lebron's end-to-end greatness gets the nod.
Slight advantage: Heat
PF: Chris Bosh vs. Serge Ibaka
Bosh and Ibaka bring very different things to the table- Bosh outside shooting (three 3's in game 7 vs the Celtics) and post scoring, and Ibaka help-side shot blocking and the ability to knock down the open mid-range shot, to the sure delight of @AaronRodgers12. Both are long, athletic, and will finish on the break. Bosh's stamina seems to be in a good place after logging 31 minutes and putting up 19-8 on the C's just two games after returning from a 3 week absence. Kendrick Perkins, the Thunder's best individual post defender, will also see time checking Bosh. The Bostrich gets the edge here as he will get more touches and opportunities than Ibaka, although the Serge protector's energy and play-making ability will be a huge factor. Bosh must match Ibaka's energy level and rebounding for the Heat to not be completely decimated on the glass.
Advantage: Heat
C: Kendrick Perkins vs. Joel Anthony/Ronny Turiaf/Udonis Haslem/Juwan Howard's corpse
Do we even have to touch on this? Perk is an elite post defender, an imposing force down low, and is motivated by his desire to eat Steve Kerr alive. Oh, he's not announcing this series? Just take it out on Mike Breen then, Perk He will also contribute 8-12 points, and makes opposing guards think twice about driving to the bucket, despite never having committed a foul in his career. Haslem is a very good rebounder for his size and nearly automatic with an open 15 footer, but calling him a center is a stretch. The rest of the Heat big men, in a word, suck. Next topic.
Advantage: Thunder
Battle of the Benches
The Thunder have size, leadership, and shooting off the bench. They have reliable big men in Nick Collison and Nazr Mohammed, and (blecch) the clutch shot making and calming influence of Derek Fisher. Sefelosha might be the most underrated defender in the league, and can guard either Wade or LeBron without the aid of a double team. Daquean Cook, as we saw in the WCF, is capable of going ham from long distance at any time, and putting a team on his back for a 6 minute stretch. Not saying it will happen, but it could be a deciding factor in one of these games. Overall, OKC's bench is deeper and their role players are more reliable. Also, Cole Aldrich has a mohawk.
The Heat, on the other hand, somehow have yet to find a defined bench rotation despite having played 85 games this season. For some ungodly reason, Spoelstra insists on playing Mike Miller as the 3-point specialist wing, despite the fact that he has been moving like your Grandpa and bricks every open 3 he takes. James Jones is healthy and probably a more reliable shooter in the first place, but hey, Miller is white, so points for equal opportunity employment down there in South Beach. With Bosh presumably back in the starting lineup, Bane Shattier can finally return to the bench where he belongs. Honest to God, Battier ended up on the floor on every single play he was involved in during the ECF. No one in the history of the game has gone from having the 'rugged, no nonsense defender' reputation to 'flopping lame' quite like Bane Shattier. In the words of J Cole, "Son, ya lame. Ya Shane Battier." God, I hate him. But I digress...Norris Cole can provide decent minutes, but will not be a difference maker by any stretch of the imagination. No one else bears mentioning.
Advantage: Thunder
Coach: Scotty Brooks vs Erik Spoelstra
Both coaches have come under fire in the postseason for a perceived lack of adjustments and X's and O's acumen. The difference between the two is that Brooks has the pedigree of being a 10 year NBA veteran with a championship ring, and his players actually like playing for him. Brooks instills confidence in his players, and is able to keep an outrageously young team with a combustible PG incredibly poised and focused, no matter the situation- say, being down 2-0 to a team with 4 rings and the greatest coach and player of the last 15 years. With OKC's firepower, but finals inexperience, a calming presence is more needed than a tactician. Meanwhile, you get the feeling that the Heat have been winning despite Spoelstra, not because of him. LeBron and Wade have both publicly acknowledged the increased burden placed on them by Spo's inconsistent rotations. And then of course, there was this. During the pre-game speeches and stupid "wired" segments on ESPN, you can tell that Spoelstra never played the game at an elite level and has little motivational gravitas beyond spouting cliches while his voice cracks like a pre-pubescant boy. He's a good young coaching mind, but not exactly the kind of guy who inspires superstars and commands respect in the huddle. Side note, over/under the number of times he will put his hands on his hips, pin his sport coat back and look like an overwhelmed middle school teacher whose student just asked him if he sucked butt: 115.
Advantage: Thunder
Crowd
This:
Vs. this:
'Nuff said.
Advantage: Thunder
The Prediction: OKC in six. It won't be easy, but the deeper, better coached, more well rested team will win out. After a tumultuous, controversial, injury riddled NBA postseason, we can be sure that some sublime basketball will be on display over the next fortnight, and at the end we will see who's sitting on the throne, and who's merely watching it.
Yet another eloquent treatise on Boston's greatest sports moments from Hub Mayor Thomas M. Menino. Yes, it has long been prophesized that former Phoenix Suns point guard and current Sacramento Mayor Kevin "KJ" Johnson and Celtic legend John "Hondo" Havlicek would drag an aging Celtics team to within one game of the NBA Finals. KJ and Hondo can rest easy now that our fair Mayor has given these Celtic superstars their proper due. Um, I think you wanted to say KG and Rondo there, brotha. But in all seriousness, how awesome is it that the leader of our city sounds like an unintelligible townie stumbling home after getting his shine on for 10 consecutive hours on St. Patty's Day? And what the hell was he trying to say at the end there? Still trying to figure out how steel plates factor into the NBA conference finals.
More of Mumbles greatest hits:
Remember when Red Sox Catcher Jason Varitek split the uprights for the Patriots' first ever Superbowl Victory? Shit was wicked "ionic."
And here Mumbles offers some succinct and loquacious praise to the Patriots two most dangerous receivers, Rob Grabowski and Wes Wekler. Side note- I don't understand one word you just said. Mumbles, you slay me.
