Mike Breen and NBA officiating: Unholy White-Wash

 Sometimes I feel like I'm living in the Twilight zone: Mike Breen is the preeminent play-by-play man in professional basketball, and it seems that virtually the entire American public has yet to realize that he is the most trenchant, deplorable announcer in the game. Does no one realize that he literally has only two calls? That, at best, he is nothing more than a technically efficient corporate drone for the morally bankrupt conglomerate known as Disney/ESPN/ABC? Somehow we been hypnotized into accepting this guy as not only the full-time play-by-play announcer of the fucking Knicks, but also the top play-by-play man for every single marquee NBA game not broadcast on TNT. Over the course of any given game 75% of all made baskets will inevitably be branded with Mike's trademark "puts it in!" call: Carmelo clutch pull-up game winning contested trey- PUTS IT IN! Savage Blake Griffin tomahawk over 3 defenders- PUTS IT IN! 27 foot Kevin Durant stepback- PUTS IT IN! Seriously Breen, find a less descriptive phrase for absurd freaks-of-nature getting buckets in the most impossible ways. Then, on the other hand, we have BANG! Oh no, don't worry, it's ok that you refer to every single massive 3-pointer with a one-syllable onomatopoeia previously reserved for Batman Comics, and use the exact same robotic inflection on every single call. It's also a known fact that Breen is the #1 doting fan-boy for the Heat and Knicks, ritualistically celebrating every big play by soiling his shorts and belting out the signature "Ho, HOOO! (insert Lebron/Wade/Carmelo here) Put's it in!!" Jesus, Breen stop talking so goddamn hard. I thought it was beneficial to have a soulful, deep voice in this racket, not sound like a squawking parrot that makes you want to take 4 Tylenol's to the head after every game.

Not to mention the fact that Mikey B becomes a trembling little puppet whenever the highly relevant, ongoing theme of corruption and failure amongst NBA officiating (esp. post-Donaghy) and their terrible Technical and flagrant policy comes up. Fact: The NBA stifles intensity and emotion more than any major sport- You can't even look at a dude after dunking on him anymore, let alone scream in his face or openly taunt him. In the NHL, squaring up for a beatdown is not only allowed, it's encouraged. NFL players mercilessly talk shit to opponents and celebrate vicious sacks and tackles with choreographed decapitation rituals. And guess what? It's a big part of the reason why those sports are so popular. Sometimes this shit ain't for the weak of heart. Athletes wouldn't be paid so lucratively if they didn't have to put their body on the line and go to war every game. The NFL is the undisputed king of sports in America because the game is more thrilling, entertaining, and emotionally provocative when you can play at a jacked-up, borderline psychopathic level. Athletes play harder when they can express themselves and let it all hang out. That's never been a secret. The NBA isn't truly fueled by dangerous intensity quite like the NFL, but there was a tangible war-like mentality during the Golden Age of the 80's and early 90's.

Tonight's main event- the one and only Joey Crawford!

 Little semi non-sequitor (coincidentally what Breen calls his penis): Magic, Jordan, and Bird are the three players placed on modern basketball's Mount Rushmore. They ushered in the NBA's Golden Era and ran a triumvirate of NBA dominance by winning a combined 14 titles over 20 years (16 if you count Isaiah and his back-to-back Bad Boys squad). That trio talked more shit, were more ruthless, taunted and fought with more opponents, and played with more savage competitiveness BY FAR than any of this generation's top players, aside from KG, Kobe, and maybe Chris Paul. (see NBA TV's awesome Dream Team Documentary for proof). Today's rules, evolving since the PR shitstorm known as the Malice at The Palace, are ostensibly designed to stop players from brawling, but what really results is a stifling of passion, intensity, emotion, and rivalries in today's buddy-buddy NBA.

Shame on you for even asking me that question, Sir.

 So. When Jeff Van Gundy, who unlike our dear little Breensy boy actually knows basketball, will deride the officials for shitty, sensitive Technicals, pace-killing flops, or over-officiating for the benefit of superstars, Breen inevitably rushes to the defense of his overlord, David Stern (And whatever ABC executive pulls his strings), and reverts back to being  the trembling company fuck he truly is. Haha, now c'mon Jeff, by the letter of the law, that was a foul! Or C'mon now, Jeff. You don't know what he might of said to him there to earn that technical! (Nervous laughter) Now Let's go to the NBA Broadcast Big Board! Hey Breen, Van Gundy's right- it doesn't matter what he said. This is basketball, not hopscotch. Grow up, white-bread. Van Gundy's insight and knowledge is great, but since Mark Jackson left the ABC announce team to coach the Warriors, you have to admit that team Q-tip has become the whiniest, whitest, least athletic announcing combo in the game. I would take the the Dick Stockton/CWebb team or Marv/Reggie/Kerr all day every day over MBJVG. Without Jackson's player's perspective, the two now have carte blanche to whine, bicker, crack lame-ass jokes, and fail to do justice to huge moments. I never thought I'd miss Mr. "mama there goes that man!" this freaking much.

Give me somebody who actually has a creative way with words and is not a one-dimensional tool. Give me someone who can capture the emotion and excitement of an NBA game, and knows when to defer to those who are actually there to provide opinion. Give me someone with catch phrases that would make Rondey Dangerfield blush. Someone with the fire of the game burning within them and a thundering voice that brings Adam Morrison to tears. Give me someone that gets buckets, that's right- get us Gus Johnson! Bring the passion of the NCAA tournament to the spectacle of the NBA finals. (Sidenote: It is perhaps the biggest travesty in sports history that Gus has been dropped from CBS, taken off the tournament and NFL games and relegated to Big-12 football on FX) Of course, Gus is a pipe-dream. The NBA on ABC would never have the balls to let someone with Gus' spontaneity and no-holds-barred approach take the reigns for a huge playoff game. But, the NBA playoffs DO desperately need to be announced by someone who can actually create a unique, lasting call, and add some freaking mystique to a legendary contest played by the titans of the game.

Aw, Hell yeah!!

 In his quest to curry casual fan appeal, and eliminate the "basketball players are thugs!" narrative, Stern is forgetting his core audience- people who understand the game as it should be played. Despite the black-eye of the lockout, ratings and fan interest are up, and the league is clearly headed in the right direction. The paradigm is shifting. The rawness and competitive fire are on the return- you can feel it. And now is the time to capitalize. There are hungry, young superstars playing the game the right way and placing their chance at greatness above all else, exactly like we ask them to. The time has come to embrace a return to the REAL in all things NBA. The time has come to put Breen on ice.